You're Good, You're Bad, You're Ugly.

If someone has been brought up their entire lives being
told that they're awesome, phenomenal, and that they can
do no wrong, is that a good or bad thing? Does it make them
unconsciously aquire a false sense of entitlement about
everything around them? Does it soften them to the
"harsh realities" of the world? Or does it give them an
incredibly strong self esteem and confidence?

The flip-side: someone is constantly berated and insulted,
told they aren't as good as they should be, and that it's
their own fault they are bad. Good or bad? Does it severely
lower self esteem? Does it kill all traces of confidence in
one's abilities? Or does it give them a drive to always
prove themselves to the world?

These questions lead directly into the world of parenting which
always causes big disputes; trying to find the "best" way to
raise a child.


SteveThinksThat -

Either extreme is terrible. (How neutral of me.) But in the
more serious sense, going fully to either side of this argument
seems to have negative consequences. Endlessly coddling a child
to believe that any and all of their dreams and wishes and hopes
can come true is only setting them up for a fall. Learning to
deal with disappointment has to be a part of life. Because only
after learning to fall can you learn how to get back up.

Being an unrelenting hard-ass on a child doesn't work too well
either. If they're constantly told they're being bad, they will
always end up placing the blame on themselves; they believe
they're at fault. Positive reinforcement works wonders, and a
smile goes tremendous lengths with those you love.

There's no perfect way to raise a child; there's no perfect way
to do anything dealing with people. A great deal of the time, it
all becomes experimental; trying one approach, seeing how it works,
refining it when needed. There needs to be the hand of love that
adores and comforts the child, but that hand also needs to be able
to push the child out on their own.


Now take everything I've said and completely forget about the whole
"child-rearing" aspect. Instead, think of your friends, family, or
coworkers, some of whom you get along with, some of whom you don't.
Think about the way you interact with them. Perhaps the reason you
don't "see eye to eye" is because of how you treat them. Not that
you're treating them badly, but that you're taking an approach
ill-suited for a healthy relationship. Too much "coddling" can lead
to an abusive friend who thinks taking advantage of your favors is
the norm. Too much playful banter may lead to someone taking
offense.


So the next time you get dumped and you hear, "It's not you, it's me",
they're probably telling the truth more than they realize.