Jump Start

I think it's about time that this blog got a real-life jump start. Nobody is probably reading this, but damn it, I'm going to write here more and about more things that are actually going on in my life.

Currently in Binghamton for Spring Break, working on things for Seniro Design and I decided, because of my friend Maryanne, to start making an "Awesome List" of things that I think that are awesome. So here's the first few:

-Trying new foods
-Trying new foods and really liking them
-Getting something for free
-Being given applause for absolutely anything
-Clean rooms
-Laughing at pictures and videos of yourself from long ago
-Running through the rain when it's warm out
-Ridiculous Kung-Fu movies
-Any foreign cooking show dubbed in English
-Finishing a project long before it's due.
-Whose Line Is It Anyway

And that's the list for now.

Senior year is just about done, and real life isn't quite hitting me yet, and I'm positive it's because I'm coming back for another year. I'm scared that I'm going to be "that old guy" but I'm really excited to be "that super upper classman who knows everyone". Definitely going to be a completely new experience, and all new things are fun.

Stay classy, internet.

Three cheers for no fears.

You're Good, You're Bad, You're Ugly.

If someone has been brought up their entire lives being
told that they're awesome, phenomenal, and that they can
do no wrong, is that a good or bad thing? Does it make them
unconsciously aquire a false sense of entitlement about
everything around them? Does it soften them to the
"harsh realities" of the world? Or does it give them an
incredibly strong self esteem and confidence?

The flip-side: someone is constantly berated and insulted,
told they aren't as good as they should be, and that it's
their own fault they are bad. Good or bad? Does it severely
lower self esteem? Does it kill all traces of confidence in
one's abilities? Or does it give them a drive to always
prove themselves to the world?

These questions lead directly into the world of parenting which
always causes big disputes; trying to find the "best" way to
raise a child.


SteveThinksThat -

Either extreme is terrible. (How neutral of me.) But in the
more serious sense, going fully to either side of this argument
seems to have negative consequences. Endlessly coddling a child
to believe that any and all of their dreams and wishes and hopes
can come true is only setting them up for a fall. Learning to
deal with disappointment has to be a part of life. Because only
after learning to fall can you learn how to get back up.

Being an unrelenting hard-ass on a child doesn't work too well
either. If they're constantly told they're being bad, they will
always end up placing the blame on themselves; they believe
they're at fault. Positive reinforcement works wonders, and a
smile goes tremendous lengths with those you love.

There's no perfect way to raise a child; there's no perfect way
to do anything dealing with people. A great deal of the time, it
all becomes experimental; trying one approach, seeing how it works,
refining it when needed. There needs to be the hand of love that
adores and comforts the child, but that hand also needs to be able
to push the child out on their own.


Now take everything I've said and completely forget about the whole
"child-rearing" aspect. Instead, think of your friends, family, or
coworkers, some of whom you get along with, some of whom you don't.
Think about the way you interact with them. Perhaps the reason you
don't "see eye to eye" is because of how you treat them. Not that
you're treating them badly, but that you're taking an approach
ill-suited for a healthy relationship. Too much "coddling" can lead
to an abusive friend who thinks taking advantage of your favors is
the norm. Too much playful banter may lead to someone taking
offense.


So the next time you get dumped and you hear, "It's not you, it's me",
they're probably telling the truth more than they realize.

Sometimes I Wish

I currently have the most terrible case of writer's block. I, myself, will contribute it to a lack of Red Bull in my system, others may say that I'm just being too critical about what I'm writing, and Maryanne will probably say that I just haven't found the right thing to write about yet. I;m pretty sure it's a combination of all three.

I have started typing in this little box about fourteen times in the past few hours, just trying to force something brilliant to come from these fingertips. Nothing. Well, not nothing. Stuff has come out. I've just proceeded to repeatedly delete whatever it was. It wasn't good enough.

I started by just sitting here with the window open, no ideas, hoping an idea would fall like a lead balloon out of the sky into my head. Didn't happen.

I tried free-writing; the whole stream of consciousness thing. It worked for a little bit, but then it just didn't feel right. I was forcing myself to think, and then I was over-thinking it.

I realize that I think about the world alot. Nothing ever specific; just everything all at once. I think about thinking and the fact that I think so much. I often wonder (hope) that other people think about stuff as much as I do because that would make me feel a little less crazy.

I realize that I have a problem asking for help from people. Some call it being stubborn or being proud; I personally think I'm dumb for it. I'm not sure why I do it, but whenever I know I need help the most, I tend to retract myself and pull all the work onto myself. It's like I'm trying to constantly prove myself even when I don't need to.

I realize that the most important things in a friendship are ears and shoulders. Nothing in the whole world is more valuable than a friend who is willing to give you a hug and listen to you talk when you're feeling down. Those are the two things I always know I am always willing to do for my friends.

I realize that my personality is that of a therapist. I don't know how it happened. I don't know when it happened. But somewhere along the life of Steven Nowicki, I made an unconscious decision to be the shoulder and ear for not only those close to me, but to anyone and everyone I met. I think I just have a knack for being able to make people feel like someone's listening to them.

I realize that although I like helping people and that I like being the therapist, I'd like a turn on the couch.

I realize, again, that I think about stuff too much.

And just like that, I wrote a blog.

Breakfast

Many different people from many different places, following many different beliefs have many different ways of describing life in general. Some have positive views, some have negative views, some have existential, unbiased views. Here's mine:

Life is like scrambled eggs. Once cracked and scrambled, there's pretty much no way to get that egg back together with everything inside. What has happened in your life will always be there; it can't “unhappen”.

But here's the thing about scrambled eggs: people hardly ever just eat scrambled eggs alone. Some do simple things like add a little salt and pepper. Some make omelets with onions, peppers, ham, and cheese. Some go all out and make full sandwiches with bacon, sausage, and maybe some ketchup.

So you can't get back the egg you started with. So what. Take the scrambled egg you have and add a little flavor to it. Make your life taste how you want it to taste.

Triggered

It smelled like Florida. It definitely wasn’t Florida; it was Binghamton. But I knew that smell, and that smell was the smell of the Sunshine State. That smell of humidity surrounding you; of thick and heavy air; of the impending storm.

Day 3 of Family Disney Adventure 2006. On today’s agenda: early morning Magic Hours at the Animal Kingdom then Downtown Disney for the shops and shows. It was the first time I can remember ever noticing the unique feel of the air around me. The sun was shining all morning long and all the animals seemed just as jubilant. A few clouds began to show themselves as it started to get blistering hot and we took the moments of shade as blessings.

The smell hit me when we left the LEGO store after my hour long perusal of my favorite toys. It was like some giant Mickey Mouse decided to dim the house lights for a show. The fluffy Toy Story clouds were gone and all that remained was a blanket of gray sky in every direction.

I’m not sure if there’s an actual meteorological term what happened next, but the first expression that came to my mind that day was “flash-pour”. About a quarter of a mile down the boardwalk, I began to see people running for cover, presumably to get cover from the rain about to fall, but I was wrong; the rain was already coming down.

Slowly but surely, with each passing moment, I watch as a wall of falling water rages toward me. I faintly remember my mom yelling at me to get back in the store, but the adrenaline already had me. I feel the tingle start in my mid-back, shooting straight to my knees, locking my legs in place. It works its way up my spine, tickling every last vertebrae on the way to my brain. It hits my neck and arms simultaneously; hundreds of hairs standing at full attention.

The roar of the oncoming waterfall becomes deafening, the wind blowing my hair and open shirt behind me. A few seconds pass; an eternity.

The tingling finds its way to the top of my back; brain stem; whole head. A single drop of water from the careening wall of water lands on my sunburned nose. The adrenaline explodes. My body is numb. I close my eyes and smile as I have never smiled before. The blanket of rain washes over me for what feels like a lifetime. And just as quickly as it came, it’s gone.

I turn my head just enough to see the rains going away, hoping it will come back. Ever so gently, my heartbeat calms, the endorphins wane, and I am left standing, soaked, with a smile. I laugh a little as I watch my mom, who apparently did not find shelter fast enough, come walking over to me carrying her bag. She says,

“Umbrella?”

And the only thing I can say back is:

“Ever notice that smell in the air?”

That was Florida three years ago. This is Binghamton and I know that smell. I know that although, for the moment, the pretty and puffy clouds rule the midday sky, at some point later today, I’ll be smiling again.

The Mask Speaks

I like math. I like numbers and numerical phenomena in general. I like puzzles. Word puzzles, math puzzles, logic puzzles. I like figuring things out, whether it’s a puzzle or not. I like knowing things, understanding things. I like being able to grasp difficult concepts.

I like feeling connected. I like feeling like I’m not alone in this world. That there are other people out there. But at the same time that I like being connected, I like feeling like I’m different. Unique in some way that sets me apart from the everyday crowd. Something that makes me…me.

I like doing things that scare me. I like doing new things, trying new things. I like the adrenaline rush that comes with an uncertainty of thrilling events to come. I like the deep, dark part of the lake where you can’t see the bottom. I like the curve in the path that goes off into an unseen distance. I like the sounds that you can only hear in a silent room. I like wind coming in the window of the car on a sunny day just as much as the wind going through my hair on a roller coaster. I like getting goose bumps.

I like the click of keys on an ancient keyboard. I like the feeling of writing with a really smooth pen. I like sound of colored pencils on a piece of colored construction paper. I like patterns. Shapes, letters, numbers, pictures. I like the sunset, anywhere. I like the sunrise more.

I like hiking. I like nature in general. I love the smell of a freshly cut lawn and the forest after it’s just rained. I hate mosquitoes. Bam. I like the feeling of being completely submersed in water for an extended period of time. I like taking paths I’ve never taken before.

I like that you’ve read this.

Connection

Striving to be closer to other people who exist in this world. Wanting to be completely understood by someone else. Needing a sense of security and comfort in the knowledge that there are others who feel what we feel.

When you find someone else, whether it’s a friend, a lover, or a neighbor, who thinks like you think, feels the way you feel, and can see what you see, never let them go. These people become inherently important in you life, and should be valued and cared for as such. These kinds of people will always be there for you whenever you need them, because they will know of your need.

You will often seem to share a singular consciousness with these friends, lovers, and neighbors. You will finish each others thoughts, or even preemptively start their thoughts for them. You will not have awkward silences, because their will be nothing awkward about the bond you share.

I have been lucky enough, in my short 19 years, to find a few people like this. I have come to know and love and connect with these people as I never thought I could. I have shared stories, smiles, hugs, laughs, tears, silences, beds, fights, walks, swims, runs, clothes, injuries, cookies, meals, car rides, roller blades, jokes, text messages, old movies, vacations, pictures, dances, phone calls, drinks, memories, and all-around adventures with people I am honored to call my friends.

I love all of you and am grateful for every last moment I get to spend with you.

=]